Bipolar Medications, Weight Gain, and Shame: A Confession

In the late 1980s I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and given Elavil (amitriptyline) to help me sleep. I had been found to have inadequate delta sleep (deep, restful sleep) in a sleep study, and it was thought (maybe still is) that poor sleep and fibromyalgia were related.

The first morning after I took Elavil I nearly wept for joy. It was the first good night’s sleep I’d had in 20 years.

One problem with that drug is that you have to keep jacking up the dose to get the same effect. The other is that it packs on the weight. I went from 135 to 165 pounds, and people were asking me if I was pregnant.

In 1992 I decided I couldn’t stand the extra weight any more and stopped taking Elavil. The weight started to peel off. Then, in December, my sweetheart of 11 years died suddenly, just a month after we finally got engaged. I lost a total of 40 pounds, down to 125.

Prozac

Prozac

Now, I looked great at 135, and not bad at all at 125, even though I was 5’10” tall, as I’m extremely small-boned. But in 1994 I had a depressive breakdown and was put on Prozac, which was still pretty new then.

By 1997 I had gained 20 pounds and I did not look good.

In 1999 I was diagnosed with Bipolar II disorder and began to play musical chairs with meds. More and more weight gain, till I got up to 170. Here’s my medication history from my first psychiatric medications until 2003:

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Depression in Tiny Pieces

Feed the cats, rinse the cans and lids, put them in the recycling. Easy. But in depression, the cans simply get tossed into the sink.

Bedtime. Dry my nose, tear the paper off a Breathe-Rite, pull off the adhesive tab covers. Throw the paper and the two little tab strips away in the wastebasket beside the bureau. But now I look at the bureau and there are four sets of papers and tabs there in a neat pile, never thrown away.

Hungry. Just a few days ago, I made myself a hamburger on toast and a bowl of Brussels sprouts. That meal is delicious and takes about 20-25 minutes to make. But now, as depression deepens, that’s too much time. Make a can of Campbell’s bean soup. Five minutes. Too long. Frappucino. Open the top and drink… 15 empty bottles on the desk. Continue reading