Life hit me today with the first big whack in the teeth to tell me I was right about this year’s focus being The Year of Taking Control. I mentioned in my first 2016 post that my spending was out of control, very possibly a bipolar symptom. Well, today was the due date on my credit card, and holy shit, there wasn’t enough in my checking account to pay it.

There should have been, but the New Year’s holiday made a hash of things. All the automatic debits that normally come in around the first hit today, but a regular payment that also usually arrives on the first did NOT, and without it, I was short. By $700.

Tomorrow I’ll probably have that money. But if I’d waited until tomorrow to pay the credit card, I’d be charged interest on the entire balance.

I was able to transfer money from another account – one I didn’t want to touch! – to cover the bill. But I felt shocked, sick and horribly guilty. I knew I was screwing up for the last few months, but not that it was this bad. Continue reading →

On my blog at Echo’s Gardens, you may have been reading about 2015 – The Year of Renovation and Renewal. I obtained a home equity line of credit and set out to renovate my gardens and improve my home. I made a lot of mistakes but had a lot of successes as well.

I Need to Take Control!

One thing the mistakes – and other events – taught me is that I need to take control of many aspects of my life. For example, in spite of being determined not to buy new plants until I had corrected the problems in the existing gardens surrounding my house, I purchased at least 200 – most of which were never planted, and now sit in my garage waiting for spring.

I Need to Control Spending

A far worse problem is that one key to making the whole project work was to pay back as much of the principal as possible on the home equity line over the winter. Instead, I have continued to spend, often impulsively, and my credit card bill continues to be in the thousands of dollars each month. I’m furious with myself – and yet I can’t stop. I want this. I need that. Oh, that would be SO helpful to have. And believe it or not, I have about 8 Amazon wish lists where I save items I want but am not ready to buy for one reason or another.

It’s like a drug.

I have bipolar disorder, and heedless spending is a symptom generally associated with mania (which I’ve never experienced) and hypomania, the two “up” phases of the illness. Continue reading →