Garden Makeover, Day 1: Digging, Killing and Cussing

In my back yard there is a garden built on a slope that I’ve been struggling with since I moved in. Some of the plants there are good, but not many. It was filled with spread-everywhere lilies-of-the-valley, boring pink phlox and some kind of eat-your-yard ladybells. I love hostas, but the ones in this particular garden were nondescript and boring. The peonies are not a color I like, and there was an ugly, sprawling rosebush. Here’s a view of it in June 2011, before anything much had bloomed:

Not bad looking, I suppose, butSlope Garden June 2011 it’s just not interesting enough for me. I design gardens carefully, paying attention to details, crafting vignettes, and this garden was a jumble of a few unrelated colors and invasive plants. All I really wanted to keep were the Siberian irises and the peonies. Well, not even the peonies, but I figured I could plant some things around them to ease the shocking effect of the color.

Not so fast, pardner. When I got into working with this area, I found out just what a mess it really was. Continue reading

Depression in Tiny Pieces

Feed the cats, rinse the cans and lids, put them in the recycling. Easy. But in depression, the cans simply get tossed into the sink.

Bedtime. Dry my nose, tear the paper off a Breathe-Rite, pull off the adhesive tab covers. Throw the paper and the two little tab strips away in the wastebasket beside the bureau. But now I look at the bureau and there are four sets of papers and tabs there in a neat pile, never thrown away.

Hungry. Just a few days ago, I made myself a hamburger on toast and a bowl of Brussels sprouts. That meal is delicious and takes about 20-25 minutes to make. But now, as depression deepens, that’s too much time. Make a can of Campbell’s bean soup. Five minutes. Too long. Frappucino. Open the top and drink… 15 empty bottles on the desk. Continue reading

I Think I Can’t, I Think I Can’t

Depression turns things upside down, backwards, inside out. Early this afternoon, after accomplishing nothing in the morning, I was trying to push myself to get going – to do housework, to do some garden work or, most important, to do some WORK work. And all I wanted to do was go back to bed. I didn’t even feel sleepy, as has been the case the last few days when I’ve taken naps. I just felt the overwhelming urge to get back in bed.

As I tried to work on myself, the mental message gradually changed. First it was, “I’ve got to get moving.” Then it was, “I’ve got to get moving, but I really want to go to bed.” It moved on to: “I can’t go to bed, I have too much to do!” and then, “I’ve got to stay out of bed…” and finally, “I can’t stay out of bed.” Continue reading